• Cairo is CLOSED – Go away. If you’ve booked a holiday, Tough Shit. WE don’t care!
• Straits of Hormuz shut down by the Royal Navy – Go away. We’re having fun here with big guns and fings!
• BoJo has an enemy – Mr Silly Name will resign if Boris becomes PM!
• BlahcrapsillyBlah – Something happened to some people somewhere about 50 years ago!
• Most people Suffer Sexual Harassment in the work place – Nothing that a good auld-fashioned Glasgow Kiss wouldn’t solve!
• The Lionesses. England’s girlie football captain has resigned – I didn’t get what I want, when I wanted it. Flounce!
• Trump is tweeting again – WTF? Who cares?
• Portrush has Never been so Lucky – Some silly people are there now playing a golf match with bad trousers and stick things. Whatever!

To misquote Benedict Cucumberpatch – “Turn off the telly. You’re lowering the IQ of the whole world!

Oh. Bloody Hell!